When it comes to the impact we long to have as leaders, we must be intelligent in how we approach our relationships.To build and develop true relational influence, we have to be invited into someone’s relational space versus what we sometimes do, which is invade someone’s relational space.
By "relational space," I mean that invisible dynamic inside of people where they either open themselves to someone else’s advice…or resist it. For instance, if someone refuses to allow us into his "relational space," that means he is resisting our advice. In leadership, we often don’t know exactly how to handle this interpersonal dynamic. In the process, if we are the invader of someone’s space, we break trust, lose credibility, and diminish our capacity to influence. That’s why we must learn how to navigate the space between you and another.
Think about this dynamic in a different way. Imagine hiring a personal trainer at a local gym to help you get in shape. By hiring him, you give him permission to coach you, offer his advice, and even push you to exercise with greater effort and focus. You are inviting him into your “space.”
On the contrary, imagine seeing a friend at the mall. After saying hello, he verbally assesses your physical health, explains to you how much exercise you need, and then commands you to “do 50 pushups.” I’d be looking for the hidden camera.
This metaphor may sound bizarre, but enter the world of relationships, and people often ignore this same principle. We try to advise people who haven’t yet invited us into their relational space. To them, our approach seems bizarre because we're trying to impose on them something they've never invited us to give.
Maybe this has happened with a person you’re trying to mentor, but you haven’t established a mentoring relationship. Or maybe it’s happened with someone you supervise at work, but you’ve wrongly assumed they want your input. Just because you live in close relational proximity, and just because you have a position of authority, doesn’t mean you’ve established credibility, nor a voice of influence in their life.
Even if our motives are sincere in wanting to make a positive impact, when we force our way into a person’s relational space, they sense relational invasion…and will usually resist. They resist because they feel we’re barging in without knocking. They haven’t opened the door and welcomed us in.
As leaders, we will become more relationally intelligent if we refuse to consistently invade people’s space. Instead, when we wait to be invited our credibility builds and our influence capacity expands.
One of the primary ways to identify when someone is inviting us in comes down to our ability to read and discern non-verbal, invisible cues that people emit. Everyone sends them out, thus communicating whether they’re open or closed off to us. This is revealed primarily through body language and the emotional energy a person emits. In simple terms, someone could maintain a welcoming and open spirit, or they could emit an aloof and distant one. People tell us without words whether they want our advice or input. To be a relationally intelligent leader, we must pay close attention to these cues. Over time, we’ll build relational capital and expand our influence.
To be clear, I’m not advocating for relational passivity. And, this doesn’t mean there aren’t moments when we push through resistance and challenge people to grow and change. It’s just that in many circles, we rarely acknowledge this dynamic, and we continually overlook non-verbal cues, often forcing our agenda upon someone and eroding trust and influence in the process.
Since Jesus doesn’t force Himself on people neither should we. His posture is always bent toward serving others, and He’s a model we can emulate in our relationships.
By: Steve Saccone (@stevesaccone)
Steve Saccone is author of Relational Intelligence: How Leaders Can Expand Their Influence Through a New Way of Being Smart. To get free sample chapter, go to http://stevesaccone.com and sign up for his newsletter.
Thank you. This was hugely helpful to me.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff as usual, Steve!
ReplyDeleteI think there is a lot more to the idea of "relational space", and you are just scratching the surface briefly here. Like cyberspace, it is not a physical area with boundaries, but an abstract place where real stuff happens.
How often do we pay attention to the physical space where we interact with people, hoping to influence them-- the appearance and feeling of our home, or our church spaces, or outdoor activities & adventures-- and yet neglect paying attention to the relational space, which holds the trump cards of whether a person is open or closed to our influence?
I would love to explore this more.
thanks for the comments. these relational dynamics are true in mentoring, as well as reaching out to people who stand outside of faith in Christ. I wonder what would happen if we honored this invisible and relational space with non-believers? Sometimes we want to be in the drivers, but in actuality, we're not. Whether we like it or not, non-believers are usually the ones who determine the pace and depth of the spiritual conversations we're in. This doesn't mean we don't challenge others or be bold at times, but it does mean we must re-learn how negatively "relational invasion" can affect personal evangelism.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post. You've expressed a dynamic I've noticed (in both directions) in my interactions and given consideration of "relational space" credibility.
ReplyDeleteMemories of church services in my childhood with the preacher extending the singing of "Just As I Am" "until someone comes forward" and opinionated folks today offering unsolicited moral advice to family, friends, and strangers publicly on facebook are two examples of less than effective personal evangelism that come to mind. I understand that these individuals act out of a sense of urgency, but unfortunately they don't realize difficult relational barriers are often a result of their good intentions.
As you write, "this doesn’t mean there aren’t moments when we push through resistance and challenge people to grow and change," and thankfully we can rely on the Holy Spirit to prompt us to both wait and push through.
Thanks!!! for you work, looking forward to Protege!
I like what you said here
ReplyDelete"As leaders, we will become more relationally intelligent if we refuse to consistently invade people’s space. Instead, when we wait to be invited our credibility builds and our influence capacity expands."
I think as we learn to understand others more, learn how to serve others and cultivate relationships where we can alter the "space" between us and the people in our world giving us permission to speak into their lives there is more freedom allowed for people to choose change.
I think of the times in my life where I have encountered relationally oblivious leadership and have felt the defensiveness in side of me to rise up and protect myself, sometimes setting in concrete for a time things that were not good for me... as opposed to leadership from people whose posture towards me has drawn me into relationship that has become undergirded with a sense of trust and knowledge that this person cares for me creating an atmosphere where it is safe for me to be vulnerable and honest with myself.
I am influenced by both types of leadership.
- One inspires me to see things in my life that hold me back and make the changes I need to become the best ME I can be
- One builds up defensive walls and keep me in places like that for longer than is healthy.
I want to be the type of leader who can read the "space" in order to be the type of influencer that helps people be the best they can be.
I believe it is our responsibility as leaders to be relationally aware and growing in our understanding of one another.
If we are unable to read the cues of others and realise when we have or don't have "permission" from them to lead them, we will still have influence but we will do more harm than good to those we lead.
Thank you for this insightful article. I was just wondering where Peter was in Acts 2 as far as the crowd's relational space when he preached to them and even directly accusing them of 'putting (Jesus) to death...' Obviously Peter didn't have the time to build repor nor their permission to preach. He just stood up and preached.
ReplyDeleteThanks Steve. I was just thinking about this today. I was invited to deliver a 2 hours session on strengths to people I hadn't met before. I found myself pushing into the relational space of the group because I only had that time and hoping I didn't get pushed back too much. It's always a bit scary and I agree wholeheartedly that entering that space inappropriately will generally cause resistance.
ReplyDeletertee, yeah, I hear you on that, and I think there are certainly times for boldness and to challenge people perhaps against their own will. This whole idea of relational space is more about honoring a relational principle that affects personal evangelism, mentoring, and other relationships. I think a great passage on this is the story of Phillip and the eunuch in Acts 8:26-40. The eunuch at one point, "invites" phillip to come and sit with him to explain the good news.
ReplyDeleteRob,
ReplyDeletesounds like you were aware of this dynamic and navigated it wisely. there's a push and pull to it, and i think discerning the intensity of resistance can inform where we steer a conversation (or a talk to many).